It Happened Yesterday

     So what does one do when your heart has been completely destroyed beyond repair? Well I can say I lost it and now looking back I think who was that person? Yet when I really think about it I know it was a darker version of me. That part of you when there is nothing to lose. Yesterday I found out my husband had been lying to me about what he was doing. The thing is I knew things weren't adding up I knew he was hiding things, but I kept thinking nope he told me he has changed. Do people ever really change when they say they have? I mean what makes a person change? Well I confronted him and said so why didn't you tell me about this female classmate that you drove home one day? He first acted as if he knew nothing, but then after telling him I just spoke to her he suddenly has her bio it seemed. Now this woman did nothing to me, but I still felt the need to call her a bitch. I know there are women out there dating married men whether they realize it or not. All I can ask is ladies please put yourself in the wives shoes. How do you think we feel some of us may not want to know, others of us know, and some of us would like to be told. I mean if a man is going to cheat then why is he with his wife? I know at times it can be kids or money, but why put anyone through that? All I know is I had celebrated my 4 yr. anniversary with my husband. We have always had problems due to the fact that he unfortunately is a liar. Now he doesn't just lie to me, but everyone around him. Well yesterday he told me he has been lying to me all this time about wanting to be with me. Well it wasn't the first time he ever said this to me after all in all honesty this man has put me through hell and I took it. My heart is stronger than my logic this man has cheated on me numerous times ,lied, mentally and emotionally abused me and still my heart held on to him with the jaws of life. Why? Anyway I was calm when asking him about the phone calls that were coming to the house and why he was finding the need to keep them from me. Then he told me he had nothing to say nothing at all he didn't know what to say. So I asked him point blank if he wanted our marriage and he said yes, but he just didn't know what to say. Well frankly the man never has anything to say never and it made me feel unimportant that he just sat there seeing me visibly upset and didn't do anything. So I said talk to me he was trying to use the computer to do something, but I was not going to be ignored. So I shut the screen off several times before he finally got upset. So I asked him do you want this marriage and he replied "I don't know". So I asked then why did you have sex with me last night? He replied I got caught up in the moment. I lost my mind seriously I couldn't believe this man could just say shit like none of it mattered. So in all fairness to him he did what he always does tries to just lie down and ignore me. Mind you years of being told I'm not good enough with words such as your fat , I can't have sex with you because I can’t get it in or ill roll off, you’re crazy, I never loved you I just felt pity for you, I love someone else, I just don't find you attractive. The list goes on and gets worse, but some of you may think why I stayed. Well because for every horrid thing he said there was an opposite. I was also told how beautiful I am, how he couldn't live without me, how he wanted to start a family with me. The thing is he f***** my head up and we would get in some pretty bad fights where he would put his hands on me, and I would try to defend myself. There was a few times where I slapped him out of fear.  The arguing was constant at times and I would often just give in accepting my fate. The thing is he is an angry person in general so when we argue it just gets worse. For me it brings out a side of me that feels betrayed and beaten. To tell the truth I have gotten down on my knees in front of this man and whoever was watching and begged him to stay with me. That is how much power our vows and my heart have held on to him. Now yesterday I felt completely lost to my pain I thought what the f*** I got nothing to lose. I have nothing if I don't have the love of my husband. He became my life; you see I became shut off from the world, so when your world is being taken from you what is the human condition to fight for it. Well I fought for it as he fought to get away from me. The argument became physical as we tumbled around the living room both of us trying to gain leverage. It didn't help that he has military training and is much stronger than I. All I had was the fact that I'm over weight. I told him to look in my eyes and see what happens when you lie to someone who has given themselves completely to you. Which I have I've given this man everything I am and then some. He asked me to kill him I said nope I just want what’s mine. So I wanted my heart back and he could leave. So as I sat there trying desperately to try and get what I wanted he put up the fight of his life. Honestly at this point so many things were said leading up to this and the soreness and bruises I still feel today. He won because in the end after we both asked the other to kill us he gave in and said I could leave. Yet what went through my head was why do I want that who am I right now? So I pretended I was actually going to leave. Yet I didn't do that because he fought me again. I wouldn't have done it anyway, but the police were at the door so he got dressed and I ran into the bedroom. The officer took my husband’s side it seemed because I have no idea what he said to him. All I know is my husband needed to leave the house so they searched for the keys which at least I still don't know where they are. He was told to stay away from the house, but he came back I told him to get out trying the best I could to hold back tears. I lost myself and now I'm so afraid that perhaps after this long in the dark holding on to a man who wanted to throw me away has finally swallowed me whole. Who am I? I keep asking myself who is this person who would lay a hand on someone? Who is this who would let a man put his hands on me and mentally and emotionally beat me down? I am nothing right now exactly what he has been trying to force me to know. I am empty and yet filled with pain. My heart feels numb from the events, but I know sweet words from him will make my heart leap to him again. My mind is lost logic takes a back seat again if I let the silver tongue speak any words of love to me. I am desperately trying my best to not engage him by staying locked in my room. A woman locked in a prison of heartache that she herself helped put her in. I tried walking away before we were married and during, but as I said he always found a way to appeal to my heart. However I found out yesterday it was guilt that brought the words of love upon his lips not his heart. This man doesn't even know himself and the only thing he loves is his body if that. However he survives off of attention he can get from others with the words he says which are nothing but lies. I will say this I see beyond what anyone else can see past all he wishes people to see. There inside his very soul is a boy who never wanted to come out of the fortress that keeps him from becoming what he sees me as. My heart is out for all to see with his name carved into it forever. Yet his heart is still kept safe from all who would seek to love or destroy it. I wish at times I could have locked my heart up so securely yet then I think I'd be like him. Who he is ...who he has allowed himself to become....mean and dishonorable. I could not be that I have sunken before like yesterday and I fear that state of mind. I want to reclaim my life I want to step out into the light once more no matter how bright it is or scary it will feel. I just can no longer bare this despair. If only he realized how much I love him if he could but see that I have protected him that my love could be the fortress in which his heart would be safe. Yet I believe after 5 yrs. together if he has not seen it yet he shall never see it. Perhaps some of us don't want to be loved perhaps some of us just want to live locked away till our final days living without conscious thought of the repercussions of our actions. A selfish existence where even words that seem to be sincere and unselfish are just words to meet our own desires. I am not that person I love with all my heart and my dreams have always been to have a husband, children, and a place to call home. Now it seems my life will be empty and I will walk among you all till it is my time without a love. I do have wonderful friends and family who have stood beside me though good and bad and who have tried to pull me out of this relationship. Yet the heart wants what it wants my only hope is that this time I can hopefully keep my heart from over powering my logical self again. Wish me luck as I don't know if he will speak to me of what else is to happen from here today. I think this time he will go through with a divorce and this time I won’t get in the way. After all if at some point my heart does heal maybe it won’t be too late for me to find a true love. Although I don't think it would be fair to anyone to be with someone as broken as me. So I can either hope for a miracle that my husband does a 180 and it sticks or I may face the reality that we are destined to be apart. Either way whatever he chooses I must make sure it is what is best for both of us.

Hello World

     Hello whomever decides to read this.  I have found recently that most of my life I have spent hidden away within myself. I mean who really knows us as people? I tend to adapt to people I meet and I have started wondering if it's really who I am or am I just trying to fit in. This world I have noticed since I was a child is not all it’s cracked up to be. I often wake up and wonder why should I get out of bed what awaits me in that big world where people run around doing what they need to or want to just to keep going? Why are we living here? Now I could think of religious based reasons for me to be here, but I want to know outside of faith why? Let me put it out there I have tried to leave this world and obviously I failed. So here I am writing about the thoughts I experience every day. To be honest I stay around for love I know it probably sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. After all to me love is one of the best things to fight for and have in one's life. Whether it’s the love of family, friends, or the love of a lifetime. Recently my two dogs got loose and the following day I found out they were found dead hit by a car. I lost it they were like children to me and I still feel like it’s all a horrible nightmare. March seemed to be a bad month for me. I lost my Mother in March about 4yrs ago when she left I felt my world crumble. The worst part I didn't feel like she knew how much she meant to me. Love even lost love stays with us it molds us into different people. Right now I know I have those who love me, but I'm starting to wonder is it enough to keep me going? That must sound selfish or ridiculous, but when I look at the world I mostly see hate. I just don't get the way the world is to be fair though I don't keep up with the times. I hear about things via friends or what I see. I decided a long time ago that sometimes knowing what’s really going on isn't always the best way to go about things. Yet I'm finding it harder to ignore or otherwise drown out what is present in today which is we are losing our connections with those around us. Look at all the technology when do people make real connections anymore? Now don't get the wrong impression I am not totally against moving forward in technological advances. I just wish people cared more about everything around us. When was the last time you really looked at someone or something and wondered what their life is like? When I people watch, yes I admit it, when I go out and find myself sitting I start paying attention to my surroundings and the people in it. I ask myself what are the people doing, what are they thinking, and what makes them get up to face the day? Do we ever really get up for ourselves or is it for others or what others will think? Today, I got up because I had things I needed to do around the house. Yet there are days when I wake and ask myself what the heck am I awake for? There have been times in emotional turmoil when I have asked why I am alive? I ask myself often why did my mother who loved life and lived it as best she could, why did she die of cancer and suffer like so many do from the horrible disease. When I her daughter who for the most part didn't want to be here is still here? I suffer from depression and have struggled with it since before I even knew what it was. I have tried a few times to end it and been admitted. I do wonder why those of us who feel in that time of deep depression that life is just not worthwhile why some of us pull through. Now I'm not in any way saying people should try to end their lives I just simply want to know what keeps us here. Why are we here why do we continue to fight the same fight? I guess it’s in our nature to keep going and going until the day comes when we have just run out of that special something that keeps us on the march forward. Well I'm here marching forward the best I can in my current place in life. Right now I know that if ever the thought comes again I have my Aunt and others keeping me going.  So here are my ramblings whether it makes sense or not to me doesn't matter so much as my brain is over crowding with thoughts and here is where I will post it from the inside out.