Hello whomever decides to read this. I have found
recently that most of my life I have spent hidden away within myself. I mean
who really knows us as people? I tend to adapt to people I meet and I have
started wondering if it's really who I am or am I just trying to fit in. This
world I have noticed since I was a child is not all it’s cracked up to be. I
often wake up and wonder why should I get out of bed what awaits me in that big
world where people run around doing what they need to or want to just to keep
going? Why are we living here? Now I could think of religious based reasons for
me to be here, but I want to know outside of faith why? Let me put it out there
I have tried to leave this world and obviously I failed. So here I am writing
about the thoughts I experience every day. To be honest I stay around for love
I know it probably sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. After all to me love is
one of the best things to fight for and have in one's life. Whether it’s
the love of family, friends, or the love of a lifetime. Recently my two dogs
got loose and the following day I found out they were found dead hit by a car.
I lost it they were like children to me and I still feel like it’s all a
horrible nightmare. March seemed to be a bad month for me. I lost my Mother in March
about 4yrs ago when she left I felt my world crumble. The worst part I didn't
feel like she knew how much she meant to me. Love even lost love stays with us
it molds us into different people. Right now I know I have those who love me,
but I'm starting to wonder is it enough to keep me going? That must sound
selfish or ridiculous, but when I look at the world I mostly see hate. I just don't
get the way the world is to be fair though I don't keep up with the times. I
hear about things via friends or what I see. I decided a long time ago that
sometimes knowing what’s really going on isn't always the best way to go about
things. Yet I'm finding it harder to ignore or otherwise drown out what is
present in today which is we are losing our connections with those around us.
Look at all the technology when do people make real connections anymore? Now
don't get the wrong impression I am not totally against moving forward in
technological advances. I just wish people cared more about everything around
us. When was the last time you really looked at someone or something and
wondered what their life is like? When I people watch, yes I admit it, when I
go out and find myself sitting I start paying attention to my surroundings and
the people in it. I ask myself what are the people doing, what are they
thinking, and what makes them get up to face the day? Do we ever really get up
for ourselves or is it for others or what others will think? Today, I got up
because I had things I needed to do around the house. Yet there are days when I
wake and ask myself what the heck am I awake for? There have been times in
emotional turmoil when I have asked why I am alive? I ask myself often why did
my mother who loved life and lived it as best she could, why did she die of
cancer and suffer like so many do from the horrible disease. When I her
daughter who for the most part didn't want to be here is still here? I suffer
from depression and have struggled with it since before I even knew what it
was. I have tried a few times to end it and been admitted. I do wonder why
those of us who feel in that time of deep depression that life is just not
worthwhile why some of us pull through. Now I'm not in any way saying people
should try to end their lives I just simply want to know what keeps us here.
Why are we here why do we continue to fight the same fight? I guess it’s in our
nature to keep going and going until the day comes when we have just run out of
that special something that keeps us on the march forward. Well I'm here
marching forward the best I can in my current place in life. Right now I know
that if ever the thought comes again I have my Aunt and others keeping me going.
So here are my ramblings whether it makes sense or not to me doesn't matter so
much as my brain is over crowding with thoughts and here is where I will post
it from the inside out.
